The Pharisee I was the trenches I am called

Before I finished high school I felt the Lord’s calling on my life to go into the ministry. I passed up a great opportunity to have a scholar ship to go to a four-year university to study sports medicine and went on to Columbia International University to prepare for ministry. As I started to do ministry I soon became a Pharisee in that I was enjoying having the attention focused on me instead of God. I started to look towards ministry to gain acceptance and approval from others, and I was looking towards ministry to bring joy and happiness into my life. Finally, I believed the lie that ministry would be my cure-all for my addiction to pornography. I really believed if I could just get into full-time ministry everything would be better. Oh, what a lie I believed. In fact my struggled cost me three ministries where I had to leave the ministry because I knew in my heart I could not be serving others with my struggle. God in His grace did not allow me to go into a full-time vocational ministry after I finished up college. I had my head and heart set on a vocational ministry and that’s all I wanted to do. I would seek and seek a ministry and God would close door after door. I became very frustrated and upset with the Lord that He was not moving me into a vocational ministry. I believed my schooling and education was being wasted. My heart was not ready for ministry, I was still believing lies that ministry would bring me healing in my life. I was still a Pharisee at heart. For eleven years God moved me away from ministry and I was on a journey of healing from my sin and the pain and hurt that came from an addiction. God moved me into law enforcement after I finished college and it was here that I learned valuable leadership skills. From their God moved me into the health insurance industry. In 2012, God started showing me what kind of ministry He wanted me to do. In 2012 I developed Refuge, a ministry to help men who struggle with sexual sins. Once again I wanted to go big, but that is not what God wanted. I wanted to reach out to men who are struggle, I wanted to reach to churches, and I wanted to reach to other organizations and ministries to help men. This is not what God wanted and once again I was very upset and just didn’t understand why God would give me a ministry just to have it sit and not grow. I totally understand it is God who grows a ministry, and He was not growing Refuge. Then God in His loving grace started showing me He wants me to ministry somewhere different. He wants me in the trenches, where it’s cold and dark and lonely. He wants me there because there are a lot of men in the trenches. I fully understand what it feels like to be in the trenches and to be totally alone in the dark. For me in my life, it was God who joined me in the trenches with me, and even though I would beg Him to take me out of the trenches and to take away my struggles, in love He chose not to answer those prayers. He left me in the trenches and He brought people into my life that got down into the trenches with me and helped me. It is here that God wants me to ministry from. I know the trenches I lived in them for over 20 years. God can take a broken, sinful, man, and use his sins and brokenness to bring Himself glory. This is what God is doing with me. He is using my past hurts and struggles to bring Himself glory, by me working in the trenches for Him.
If you know someone who is in the trenches and are struggling with purity issues let us help. The leaders of Refuge know and understand what the struggle they are going through and are willing to be with them in the trenches.


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