Archive for May, 2017

How To Protect Your Children From Pornography – The Question – Parenting #9

nm-talking-to-your-child-about-cancer-featureWhen it comes to interacting with our children and talking with them about purity we have to create an environment of openness where we can speaking to our children about sex, marriage, pornography, etc.  We are going to speak to them on their level and use age appropriate talking points.  We will dive into age appropriate talking points later in our talks.  So how do we create an environment to be able to start speaking to our children? We have to find times and spaces were they feel comfortable talking.  You cannot force this, it’s something that comes naturally.  When we start looking at age appropriate talking points you will see where some training can be done while your helping your little one take a bath or shower.   Once my son moved out of this area I would use our time before bed time to connect and share.  I would also use our morning breakfast times where he and I would go out and grab breakfast and chat.  Since I have been able to create this environment of openness my son and I can start talking about deep issues any where and at anytime.  As we are creating an this environment of openness questions play a huge part in this.  So when it comes to talking about marriage, sex, porn you have to remember there is no question that is off limits. Remember, everything will be age appropriate for your child and it will be on their level and it needs to be in the context of marriage.  My son is 10 and we have already started to talk with him about marriage, sex, homosexuality, transgenderism and other things. He is already starting to see these things and we are talking to him about these things on a level that he can understand.  These are not in depth talks because he would not be able to handle that, they are talks that are appropriate for his age.  Most the time our talks last about 10 min because he is on to the next thing.  As there is no question that is off limits asking questions is a two way street.  You have the right to ask your child any question concerning sex, porn, etc, but they also have the right to ask you any question regarding these issues as well.  That is what you want.  One of the best conversations I had with my son was one that he asked me a question regarding a picture he saw out side of a popular retail store.  We want our children coming to us asking us the questions.  When your child asks you a question don’t freak out when they ask you something, don’t be shocked no matter what the question is or how they ask it.  Thank them for coming to you to ask their question.  If we freak out they will never come to you again to ask you a question.  If you don’t know how to answer them tell them you will get back to them, and go find the answer and give it to them.  One of the ways parents fail is they don’t ask their children enough questions. We also don’t want to embarrass them so we have to ask questions in love.  It helps to start this process as young as you can.  How young? Age 2. Once again we will look at this in our next talk.  Parents, we have to remember we are our children’s protectors. Asking questions gets the ball rolling and your kids will start coming to you when they want to know something and the earlier you start this process this conversation becomes a natural conversion to them. Question’s get the conversation going and this conversation is not a one time conversation but an on going conversation.  In our next talk we will start to talk about age appropriate talking points.

Let me know what you think about our Parenting series so far.  Leave a comment below.

How To Protect Your Children From Pornography – The Initiative – Parenting #8

parentscornerParent’s, we have to be the primary provider of information for our children when it comes to marriage, dating, sex, love, and pornography.  After we have examine our own hearts in the area of purity we have to get educated.  We need to do our homework. There are lots of good resources out there and so not to fully reinvent the wheel you can check out those resources on our Refuge website:

http://refugenortheast.weebly.com/resources.html

We are going to help you take those resources and implement with your children over the next several blogs.  As your studying and doing your homework get connected with other parents.  Parents need to be helping each other.  Also, it is so important to know the parents of your children’s friends.  Do you really know the parents of kids friends? Exposure to pornography can happen at a friends house.  This is why it is so important for your children to know what to do if they come across a “bad” picture, pornography.  A friend of mine came to me because he was struggling with how to handle his step-son. My friends step-son spent every other weekend at his fathers house and there in that house is no concern over purity.  There is not a tech plan in place at that house, and there is no concern to what is been watched on the internet or T.V.  I told my friend you have to teach your step-son about what to do if he comes across pornography and that your voice has to be louder than the fathers if their is no concern on what is being watched. My friend new the parent. Get to know the parents of your children, remember you are their protector.  I was first exposed to porn by spending the night at a friends house, and it was down hill from there for over 20 years, because pornography became my drug. Before you go and let your child spend the night at a friends house or go off and play, ask yourself, do I really know the parents, is my child safe?

Get ACTIVELY involved in your children’s lives.  We need to check our priorities.  Josh McDowell said, Truth without a relationship leads to rebellion.”  We will not be able to teach our children if we don’t have a relationship with them.  Dads this is especially important for us.  If your a Christian it should be God, your wife and then your children.  If anything (work, play, etc.) comes before God, your wife and your children you need to repent and make some changes.  Men, are we keeping our work hours in check, is our wife’s and children’s love tank full before we head out to play?  How is your relationship with your kids?  We have to be able to teach purity in love and with grace and if the relationship has been damaged we need to repair it.  This point is so huge, because most addictions what ever the addiction is, (porn, drugs, etc.) is just a symptom of something going on much deeper in the heart.  A wound can be producing the addiction, and most wounds come from those who are the closest to us.  Over time the wound produces so much pain the child now older must look for a way to deal with the pain, so they turn to the flesh to deal with the wound.  At the end of this blog I will leave the links for more information on wounds.

Sit down with your child, teenager, young adult and ask them, “Where have I hurt you, where have I failed you?”  Have I done anything to you to make you upset or angry? Be prepare to take some hits.  I ask this of my 10 year old all the time because I want to make sure there is not a wound there I don’t know about. Most of the time the parent doesn’t even know they hurt their child.  After your child tells you where and how you have hurt them, thank them for telling you.  Tell them you will come back and talk about this.  You at this time need to go and process what they have said, repent, and go back to your child and ask for their forgiveness.  What this is doing is rebuilding the bridge.  This is so important.

In our next blog we will be looking at how to start creating an environment of openness so we can start talking about purity with our kids.

Links to the wound:

https://refugenortheast.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/the-wound-part-1/

https://refugenortheast.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/the-wound-part-2/

https://refugenortheast.wordpress.com/2016/05/04/the-wound-part-3/

How To Protect Your Children From Pornography – Parenting # 7

 

heart-check In our first six blogs we look at the gift of sex in marriage.  In order for us to effectively speak to our children about pornography we have to have a healthy view of the gift of sex in marriage and the over all goals of marriage.  By having this understand we will be able to speak to our children and drive everything back to the confines of marriage God has given to us.  Most churches are not openly talking about these issues. As parents it is our responsibility to be training our children. Deuteronomy 6: 6-9 says, “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.” Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it.”  As parents we have to be training and teaching our children.

So where do we start at? We have to first examine our own hearts.  We are called to purity.  Colossians 3 tells us we are to live holy lives and verse 5 says, “Put to death, therefore , whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” Also 1 Thessalonians 4: 3 says, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality.” and then verse 7 of chapter 4, “For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.”  As parents, we must first be walking in purity.  If there is a struggle we need to reach out for help.  We need to seek God’s grace for ourself’s. As parents we must be modeling purity to our children.  We cannot be modeling purity to our children if we are struggling.

After we have examined our hearts we can move onto the next step and that is taking the initiative of preparing our self’s and getting educated. As parents we have to be the primary provider of information to our children about relationships, love and sex.  In our next blog we will talk about how we go about getting prepared.

 

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