Posts Tagged ‘Family’

The Deep Secerts Of Our Heart

we-all-have-secretsI think we would all be scared if we really knew what was going on inside people’s hearts, and what people really did struggle with.  We are so good at hiding our struggles and our sins, and this is what the enemy wants us to do.  For people who are struggling with sexually purity issues they listen and believe the lies that they are the only ones struggling with those issues, and they would be judged and looked down upon if someone really knew what they were struggling with.  Therefore, they keep the struggle lock down deep inside and it just destroys them.  They are scared to let someone come into their broken world so they try to manage their sin.  A friend of mine was sharing with me the other day that he was going through a guy’s computer that had just passed away trying to find any family members that he could notify about his passing.   My friend was shock at all the sexually explicit emails he was finding in this computer.   He said, Steven I had no idea he was struggling with this stuff.  All of us have dark secrets and struggles and God wants to heal us.  One of the things that helps in the healing process is getting our secrets and struggles out into the open.   I know for me personal there was so much freedom when I got all of my dark secrets out.  I have no secrets with my wife, and as painful as it was for me to sit and share with her my struggles, sins, it was one of the most freeing things I have done.  I’ve also sat down with another couple who was helping me and we had a time of prayer where I just confessed my sins and got all the dark nasty secrets out.  James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”   There is such a healing that comes with getting our crap out into the open.  When I meet with guys who are interested in going through Refuge I always share my story and my struggles with them first.  It breaks the ice and they realize they are not the only one.  The first and hardest step in the healing processing over this struggle is to let someone into your world.  If you’re at that place where you need to let someone in and you are not too sure who to talk with, pray and ask God to show you who to share your struggle with.  It needs to be someone you can trust, someone who truly understands the Gospel.   This is the person that can help you, and not the person who is going to judge you.  When I was in the battle with my struggle I was seeing this Christian counselor and I had opened up and shared my struggle with him.  I remember one week as I was sharing I told him I had struggle that week, and he blasted me for falling.  I realize today that he didn’t understand the Gospel, I never saw him again after that day.  Know I could have made the choice to say the hell with it, I am not going to share my story with anyone else, but I am glad God didn’t give up on me.  God has brought people into my life that has help me overcome my struggle with sexual sins, people I have shared my story with, and people who meet me where I was and God has brought healing to my life.  It all started by letting people come into my world.  I was enslaved for 20 plus years to porn and other sexually sins.  I just got to a point where I was tired of struggling and I didn’t care who I told and knew I need help.  I just want to encourage you that you don’t have to battle this struggle by yourself.  There are people who love you and will love you through this battle and will get out onto the battle field with you.  If you are struggling pray and ask God to show you who you can talk to.  Ask God to start bring those people into your life that can help you.  This is an issue that you cannot keep inside; it will eat you from the inside out, and will take every good thing from you.  This is a beast that you cannot control, it wants to destroy your life, but it will keep telling you it is the greatest thing for you.


Our Sickness Is A Result Of Our Secrets – Part 1

deep_dark_secret“Our sickness is a result of our secrets.”   I heard someone tell this to a group of people a few years back, and I’ve never forgot it.  It is so true. Keeping things in the dark will never lead us to healing or freedom.  The enemy wants us to keep everything in the dark, because that is where the power of what we are struggling with comes from, the darkness, the secrets.  To help you keep things in the dark, he will tell you lies.  The enemy is the father of lies (John 8: 44) and he is forever speaking softly into our ears, and we listen to him.  I cannot tell you how many lies I have listen to and believed that where from the enemy.  Lies I’ve had to repent of and ask God to forgive me for believing them.  On a side note, this is one reason why so many believers get mad and upset at God.  They pray to God and then get mad when they don’t see or feel like God is listen to them, but they hear and listen to the enemy just fine.  James 5: 16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”  Healing is tied directly into confessing our sins, letting our secrets out with someone else. The enemy will tell you not to do that, because people will treat you differently or you will be judged.  Most likely if you have secrets you are dealing with the shame and guilt, and you don’t want the shame and guilt to increase when you share with someone. For that reason, you don’t share at all.  There is so much freedom in the light, and in order for God to do His work, we have to get our secrets out.  God has blessed me with an amazing wife, and we don’t have any secrets.  She knows my story, my struggles, and the sins that I have committed. This is one reason I believe we are still married today, I got it all out on the table. There came a point in my life that I was so tired of dealing with the porn, I didn’t care who I told.  I just wanted to walk in the freedom Christ has given, and God brought a special couple into my life.  I sat down with this couple, and I poured my stuff out in front of them, and they started asking some deep questions, and I just got it all out.  The couple was not shocked when I told them the details of my sins.  They understood grace, and God used them mightily in my healing process.   Men, what other guy are you talking to and sharing with?  As men we have to have other men in our lives to make it through this life, God did not intend for us to do it by ourselves.  Proverbs 27: 17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Once a week I have men I have to check in with, to be accountable to. We will start a series on accountability shortly.  I have other’s that I know at any time they can ask me questions on how I am doing and they do.  If I didn’t have these men in my life I would be dead.  Who are you doing life with?  Pray and ask God to show you someone, that you can trust and sit down and share your secrets with.  Ladies this goes for you to.  Who are you doing life with?  Getting your secrets out is a hard thing, but it’s the first step towards walking in freedom.

How To Protect Your Children From Pornography – Talking Points By Age – Parenting #11


m1axlonde67xhsotk9ondfjmutsf-uxoWhen we talk to our children about marriage, sex, porn, etc we want to talk to them on their level. Let’s look at some talking points by age group. Remember to point everything back to the marriage relationship.

Birth to 5 years of age

  • Remember you are your child’s protector
  • Give real names for each private part.
    • Sex abuse prevention training recommends to teaching children what their private parts are. Our children need to know the proper names for their private parts.  Each year children are abused sexual because they don’t know the names of their private parts.  Those who abuse children are given different names to private parts so the children don’t think anything is wrong.
    • Teach your children that no one (even parents) should touch them in in their private parts. Teach them the only person who can touch them in their private parts is a doctor, and mom or dad will be in the room with the doctor and another staff person should be in the room with the doctor as well
  • Discourage secrets and secret friends – “Secret’s lead to our death” Teach your children that they should not keep secrets, or have secret friends. If someone ask them to keep a secret they need to know how to say no.  Work with them on this.
  • Get to know your children’s friends and their parents. Exposure can happen at a friends house and it often does.
  • Show affection and build trust with your child.
  • Watch for red flags; sudden changes in habits; withdrawal; inappropriate fears or behavior.  This can show that your child has been exposed to something or has been abused.
  • Start to teach your child what a bad picture is and what to do if they see a bad picture. We define a bad picture as someone who is doing something inappropriate with their body and has little or no clothing on.  Teach your children when they see this either on TV or the computer they are to turn of the monitor or TV and report what they have seen to mom, dad or a teacher if this happens in school. (It happens in school more than you think).
  • Teach your child how to say “NO” if they feel uncomfortable about something.
  • Start your tech plan for your family (we will have a whole talk on this subject)

Early Elementary

  • Teach basics of physical boundaries
  • Express feelings appropriately
  • Showing respect for others (Their bodies and what is appropriate touch to others and what is appropriate touch to receive from others.)
  • Give permission to say NO
  • Discuss gender identity in God’s purpose/ Homosexuality. (Teach them what to do if they see people that look differently, man with makeup on, etc and how to responded to that) Teach them what two do if they see two men kissing or holding hands, same if they see two woman doing this.)
  • Continue to teach and reinforce what has been taught from the Birth to 5 years of age talking points.

Upper Elementary/Middle School

  • Remind them they are smart and capable
  • Discuss choosing friends and why this is important
  • Guard against exposure to sexual content (Tech Plan, what are bad pictures and what to do when they see them)
  • Cultivate dialogue and conversation about feelings
  • Warn about seductions and tricks
  • Discuss the myths of pornography – more middle school age. (We will be going over this shortly in our talks)
  • Guide appropriate dress and self-respect
  • Create a tech strategy for the family
  • Listen (Ask them what they are heard about sex, porn, etc.) This sets the stage of what needs to be communicated and what information needs to be communicated at this point. Ask them what they have seen on TV/internet about sex, etc.
  • Continue to reinforce the age appropriate talking points.

High School

  • Be your teen’s parent, not their friend
  • Help set healthy sexual boundaries
  • Establish courting/dating boundaries
  • Discuss gender identity in God’s purpose
  • Prepare them for situations they may face with dating, sex, etc.
  • Discuss sex, pornography, and technology calmly and frequently
  • Help them understand sexual abuse and rape
  • Maintain boundaries on dress and behavior
  • Model the pursuit of purity in your own life

The earlier you start to have these conversations with your children the easier it becomes to have these talks.  To your children it becomes a nature conversation were their is no shaming.  These are not one time talks.  I started when I was helping my son take a bath at night.  Now that he is older and takes his own showers, we chat at night before he goes to bed.  It’s just a nature talk we have.  Next time we will start looking at the myths of pornography and how porn can effect the brain.

Let me know what questions you have by leaving a comment below, or give us some feed back on our parenting resources.


%d bloggers like this: